Self Awareness

This last week was a long one...all my babies were sick with hand, foot, and mouth. If you don't know what that is be so grateful. But basically it's a lot like really nasty chicken pox located on the hands, feet, and mouth of the child instead of the trunk of the body. Super yucky, super contagious, super miserable.

So when it came time for me to leave for my super team health coaching event, I was more than ready to take a break from daily life. What I didn't realize was how much I would really grow from the whole experience. Sure I thought it would be nice to meet other Take Shape for Life Health Coaches. Sure I thought I would learn more about our business. Sure I thought I would enjoy the time away. Sure I thought I would be uplifted. But I didn't realize how it would touch me to my core... to my soul.

As I drove to and from Midway, Utah, I listened to a book on CD. It was Julie De Azevedo Hank's book The Burnout Cure. Whether you share our faith or not, I highly recommend her book. Seriously... I think I might buy a copy for everyone in my family. It's about staying emotionally healthy, so we don't become burnt out. I've been doing a lot of reading/talking/researching about emotions. Emotions just are. They just are a part of us. They just happen. They are neither good nor bad. They just are. And I'm learning to embrace that I am human being created to feel a whole spectrum of emotions and that's perfectly fine and perfectly normal. But I am also becoming aware of how I can train my brain to choose to act in a positive, healthy way to any emotion that I feel. Sometimes the emotion and the reaction to the emotion are so intertwined, habitual, and hard wired into my brain that it feels like I don't have a choice other than the reaction that occurs. Part of the reason why I liked her book so much is that she asks introspective questions that help the reader to be more thoughtful and become more aware of his or her whys and beliefs held. Without understanding where we have been we can't fully understand how to get to where we want to go.

When I got to the Homestead Resort Friday morning, I texted Ben and told him I was out of my comfort zone. His response... It's good for you. I rolled my eyes at him, not that he could see, and texted back that it was probably true. The morning got under way and our speaker, Dave Blanchard, was introduced. As he began to speak to us, I felt like he was speaking to me and to my heart. Some times it amazes me how everything lines up so well. That this thing lead to that which lead to this which lead to this which lead to that which lead to me being here listening to him speak. I just felt like so much of what he had to say was a culminating point that needed to happen so I could shift my thinking and be ready for what's to come.

One of the first things he talked about was our shells we create and the load we carry and drag behind us. So me... my little introverted self, likes my shell... Lachelle likes her shell! It feels safe there because I'm not putting myself out there to take a risk. And if there is no risk, there is safety... no pain, no hurt, right?


And for a long time, I have carried a bag full of weight around. At times I felt like certain things dictated who I am to a certain extent... not so much that I couldn't choose for myself, but more that the cards were stacked against me and I couldn't escape them.  Things like my family genetics, how I was or wasn't raised, my past mistakes and choices, etc. all weighed on me heavy at times. 

But I've been learning that I am not the past and I am not my past. I am not the obstacles. In fact, as Dave said the obstacles are often the way. The very thing we have been resisting is often the way and the answer. Life happens either way. Hard things come no matter what. That is how we grow. That is how we change.

As I spent Friday morning listening to Dave Blanchard, he put so many of my recent thoughts into eloquent words, and I was once again reminded I always have a choice. As I cultivate awareness about myself and where I have come from, I can do two things: One, use it as an excuse and let it turn me into a victim of my circumstances. Or two, embrace it, and use it to serve the lives of others. I'd much rather be serving and loving another than feeling sorry for myself. I'm also starting to think I'd rather have a say in what risks I place my heart in, instead of waiting for life to deal out it's own lessons on my behalf. ;) Not to say we always get to choose (cancer, death of a loved one, loss of a job, and many other events in life are not by choice), but I'd rather actively choose what I can instead of always waiting to react to what is dealt. 

This picture symbolizes so much of my thoughts and feelings for the weekend.

I am choosing to embrace all of me.. all of my past and history, all of my emotions (past, present, and future), all my strengths, all my weaknesses, all of the physical, mental, and emotional sides of me... all of me. Then with the self awareness that comes when I am truly honest with myself and embrace ALL parts of me, I am given more power to choose. I know where I have been so I can make a plan for how I'm going to get to where I want to go. I can choose to love it, leave it, make peace with it, forgive it, forget it, change it, fix it, rewire it, rewrite it... to create it. I'm giving myself permission to create the best me, to create my best life, to create what's best for my family. 

I loved this quote that Dave Blanchard shared.

Just watch... I'm going to create. And I hope with all my heart that as you view my journey, you'll view yours, and you'll give yourself the same permission. You are meant to become and to create. And as we let go of what we are dragging, let our shells and walls down, we'll share our heart of hearts and take each other by the hands and together we'll create a better world... one that is based on true love for one's self and for others. Or as a Dave likes to say, Agape love. 

Loss (a mini series) Part 3

Hey! You threw off my groove!

I'm sorry. You threw of the Emperor's groove. 

Disney's The Emperor's New Groove

Does anyone else feel this way about Spring Break?! Seriously. Love my kids, but the routine gets thrown for a loop, and things don't get done. Some of which... I am totally OK with. But a few things like this post I really wanted to get done.

And here it is... another week has come and gone, and I've yet to get this done. Last week, was just off for me in a lot of ways.  And I'm not practiced enough at this being a blogger thing to have it fine tuned and part of my schedule and life yet. I'm working on it. I'll get there. Please be patient with me in the mean time and keep coming back to read when I do manage to sit down and write because I write for you.

I've left names out to be respectful. This isn't about them. This is about me, so if you know me well enough to know names please also respect the privacy of the other parties involved and leave their names out of comments too.

Heartbreak... the romance kind. Most everybody will experience this in their lifetime. Opening our hearts and letting ourselves be vulnerable enough to love, also opens us up to possibility of being hurt. There is a dual nature in all things... a benefit and a risk. Luckily, in most things the benefits far out weigh the risks. Such is the case with loving another.

Growing up I had my crushes. A few in elementary school. A few in high school. I cared about each one, but the relationships were short lived and never developed into something more. Most of the time I felt like the "nice" girl that was friends with the guy that then proceeded to help them with the girl they liked, or the "smart" girl to try copy homework from. Sometimes it was hard. I often felt alone or left out because I didn't have a boyfriend. A little seed of jealousy would creep in from time to time because even my younger siblings seemed to be more lucky in the love department than me. The next two siblings in line had their first kisses before me. And even my youngest brother was wooing the girls in preschool and probably also beat me in the first kiss department!

When I got to college, I thought things would be different. They weren't. I had a huge crush on a guy my freshman year, and we were really good friends, but eventually he told me he was dating someone. He put off telling me because he knew I liked him, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Finally my sophomore year, it changed. I was a RA that year. And so was he. There were two other RA couples that we would do things with.... murder mystery dinner dates, thrift shop clothing dates, a fancy dance (the first time I had been really asked to one... my first prom was with a boy who had just broken up with his girlfriend so we went as friends and the second was with a group of girls), and just lots of happy memories and fun things. We would talk on the phone or instant message (didn't have texting yet... I know, I'm old!). We went for walks and spent time talking about our hopes and dreams. He had a cute pet name for me. He did and gave thoughtful little things for me and our little anniversaries. I learned a song in Spanish for him (He was Latino.) At 19, he was my first kiss and my first love.

That year I went down to Texas and met his family at Thanksgiving. They were so sweet and treated me so well. I continued to fall harder for him. As things progressed we naturally started talking about getting married. I just knew I was going to marry him. We went for a walk and stopped at a special spot to us. I thought he was going to propose. He didn't. Instead, he told me he couldn't marry me. I was shocked, surprised, hurt, angry, sad, blindsided, and so much more. I cried and asked why. I just didn't understand how it could be happening. We walked back to our dorms and said good night. I went in and sobbed. My girls on my floor looked after me that night instead of the other way around. I was heartbroken.

Knowing now I that I struggle with depression, I would say that I was in a true, deep, dark depression episode. We had a class together, and he tried so hard to remain my friend, but I couldn't do it. I'm sure I hurt his feelings because he didn't understand why we couldn't just keep being friends. It was too hard. It hurt too much. I needed space to heal. And in some ways, his continued kindness made it even more difficult. I couldn't be angry or hate him or tell myself he was a jerk and I deserved better when my heart knew and his actions proved otherwise. It took me a while to cope. It then took me even longer for my heart to heal.

Valentine's Day came, and I was walking to campus for a class. I was feeling sorry for myself and lamenting yet another lonely Valentine's Day. As I was contemplating, I started having a conversation with God.  I decided to make Him a deal. Crazy.... I know. How many people try bargaining with God? I must have been pretty desperate... OK so there is no must have been... I was feeling very desperate and lonely at the time. I said, "God, I have never had a Valentine, a real genuine Valentine (I wasn't counting the boy I bought something for in sixth grade ;).) Fine. Whatever. But here's the deal God, I will go without a Valentine, if when I do finally have one, he will be my forever Valentine. It will be your sign to me that I will marry him. Deal?"

It took 5 years. 5 years of being the "nice" girl. The "friend." Having my heartbroken a couple of more times in the process. I even tried to "force" God into the bargain by making sure I celebrated Valentine's Day with someone I was falling in love with and could see myself spending my life with, but he wasn't really my Valentine. Looking back I know it was a lot more one-sided and not really a healthy situation for me personally. But I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone in my life.

After that relationship ended, I kind of gave up on finding someone. Which, to be honest, I think is what God was waiting for from me anyway. In giving up the idea of needing to be loved by another, I learned to love myself better. By this point, I had graduated from college. I found a job teaching and made some really good friends with my fellow teachers. I had the opportunity to live with my sister again as adults, and it was awesome for our relationship. I made peace with myself. Did that really change my desire to find someone? No, but I was OK to wait in the mean time. I found purpose and happiness in my life.

Soon after I met a cute boy with dark hair and beautiful green hazel eyes. I liked him, but there was also another girl in the picture that really liked him too. I just figured he'd end up dating her because that's how it went. But much to my pleasure, we began dating. I really began to like him a lot... to maybe even love him, but I was feeling hesitant. I didn't know if I could open my heart again. Valentine's Day came, and I heart attacked his room. He surprised me with dinner. He'd made it all himself... including dessert. I then started panicking! Does this mean I'm going to marry him? God, are you keeping your end of the deal? Aaaah! Worry... Worry... Hopeful... Hopeful... Panic... Panic... Good grief. I was a mess!

Needless to say he became my forever Valentine.

I'm not much a country music listener with a few exceptions, but I've always loved Garth Brook's song Unanswered Prayers. As hard as loneliness and heartbreak were, it was what had to get me to where I needed to be. He left unanswered prayers because He was working on answering other ones. I needed to make peace with myself and my own heart. I needed the opportunity to teach school and reach out to others. I needed to wait for the man that would be my counterpart... completing and complementing each other in ways that we both needed and didn't happen in other relationships. I needed to wait for someone that needed me as much as I needed him, so we would be equals. Is it what I wanted at the time? No. Did I know what I really needed? No. But God did, and He still does. In spite of and even sometimes through the hard, difficult, terrible, heartbreaking, lonely times and trials, He is orchestrating a more magnificent plan than we can imagine possible. And that's the beauty of it all... He may not give us what we want, but He will always give us what we need.