Loss (A mini series) Part 1

I have experienced very few physical, mortal losses in my life. I have never had a miscarriage. I have never had a stillbirth, or lost a child. I have never lost a parent, and all but one of my grandparents are still living. There have been deaths in my extended family, but I don't live close to them. So though, I was sad and heartbroken, it probably didn't feel as raw as it probably should have because I wasn't in the midst of it.

So you're probably wondering why I would write about loss. From the outside, it sure appears that I don't really know much about it, but looks can be deceiving. We all experience heart wrenching, aching, hole in our soul making loss. It's so real; it's almost tangible. It comes in forms common to every human, and yet, it also comes in forms completely unique to an individual. We all experience loss, so let's talk about it. Let's find relief in knowing we are not alone, even when we feel lost in loss.

As I was thinking about doing this, I was going to start my mini series with my earliest memory of loss... true loss. Not just my favorite stuffed animal's disappearance. (Though as a kid that kind of loss can be just as real, so don't brush it off or down play it. Validate the feeling.) It was something that I knew I wanted to get to, but because of events of the day, I'm going to start with where I am at now. Here's me being raw and real in the moment.

Her name is Annalynn Catherine. Aly Rin for short. Originally, we thought about calling our daughter Elizabeth. But as time went on, we decided to give her two family names (all of our boys have family names for their middle name). Annalynn is the combination of the two grandmothers'. My mother-in-law's name is Ann, and my mom's middle name is Lynn. Catherine is her great grandmother. Grandma Cathy as my husband new her, passed away when he was only 5. Though I have never met her, I have always felt a really strong connection to her. I just new she was in heaven watching over our boys and little girl until they could come be in our family.

You're probably thinking... Now wait a minute... HOLD up. I thought you said you have never had a miscarriage or lost a child... It's true. I haven't. So tell me then why my heartbreaks for a child I have never had? I never knew you could experience loss so deeply for someone that hasn't even been conceived, especially when I have not dealt with infertility by any means.

I have 5 amazing, beautiful, wonderful little boys that light up my life. I wouldn't trade the world for them, and yet, I would give up the world for them. Each and everyone is meant to be part of my family. Of that, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind. But each time we got pregnant, I thought maybe it would be my little Aly. And though I always knew that each baby boy was meant for us... I feel like a selfish jerk saying this out loud, but I always felt a little disappointed it wasn't a girl. Each time, I would tell myself... well, maybe next time. But here's another truth... we won't be having anymore biological children (unless there is some major divine intervention because it shouldn't be possible anymore.) It would not be healthy for me (and hence, my family) physically, emotionally, mentally... you name it, to have another baby. So now... there is no maybe next time. At this point in time, financially adoption isn't an option either... though I've thought about it... lots.

I even had a dream after I knew my last baby was another boy and few months before he came. I was at the hospital, I delivered a beautiful healthy boy. Then the doctor says, wait! There's another baby. As he delivers the baby, he announces that the baby is a girl! I am so excited, but then we realize she is a stillbirth. Even in my dreams I wasn't allowed to keep her. I have only told a very few people about this because it was so vivid, and I woke up with the weight of the dream on my heart. It was too personal and too raw to share, but I'm sharing it with you. It was horrible.

 

My sister has one little girl and 4 boys. One of my sister-in-laws has one of each. And I'll be honest, I'm always a little jealous. In my house, we have a square kitchen table that seats 8. There are 7 of us, so with the empty chair my boys will say from time to time that we need one more baby... That they need a sister to sit there. It's like a little knife wound to my heart each time. Even walking past the cute little baby girl clothes can be hard.

I am even beginning to dread the questions, are you going to have more kids, and are you going to try again for a girl? Seriously, don't ask about family status of any kind unless you're the person's bff, and even then proceed with caution. A second piece of advice, don't try to reassure by saying, well at least... fill in the blank. Because I am also really tired of people telling me, well at least you'll get 5 wonderful daughter-in-laws, and you won't have to deal with teenage girls.  Look, I get it. I know no one is intentionally trying to be rude. They are trying to soften the blow and find the positive in the situation. I'm not trying to be offended... and I'm actually not. I appreciate the gesture. But here's the thing... It still stings. IT. IS. NOT. THE. SAME! Even with a really good mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship (which I have with mine... LOVE her!), it is not the same as a mother/daughter relationship. It. just. isn't.  

So today one of my other sisters went in for a gender ultrasound for her first baby. She called to tell me the happy news! A beautiful, healthy little girl. I am genuinely so happy for her and her husband. Having a baby is such a miracle. But as I said good bye and hung up the phone with her, I broke down. Luckily, it wasn't too long after that my husband walked in from work because I needed him to hold me. Not only have the tears flowed off and on this evening, but the chatter in my head has begun again.

I know the chatter isn't truth. Isn't reality. But it comes so easily once it starts. The jealous thoughts of why couldn't I have a girl, and why does she get to be lucky enough to get a girl. The unworthy thoughts of God didn't think I was worthy of one His daughters, that He must not trust me enough, that I wouldn't be a good mom to girl because I wouldn't be strong enough (because He only gives us what we are strong enough to handle, right?). The pleading with God thoughts to understand because I was sure eventually she would come. And she hasn't.

Here's the truth. The real truth. My heart yearns for this little girl. There is a hole where she should be. For whatever the reason, she isn't a part of my story on earth right now. And it's not because of my worthiness, my skills as a mother, any unluckiness, or any other darkness that my mind tries to overshadow me with. The reality is... it is all in God's hands. I find hope in that. I find glimmers of peace in that. Which I desperately need. Because the reality is also, that it hurts. Some days, it's just an ache. Other days like today, it hurts so bad.

I'm hoping that maybe someday something will change. Maybe eventually another mother will bring her into the world, and I will bring her home and love her as if she were my own because she will be. She will be the missing piece to my heart that I lost before it was ever found. She will be my Aly Rin.