Dear Birth Mother

Ben and I are supposed to be working on our profile. I'll be honest though... we haven't done much with it yet. Not because we don't want to, but for me anyway, I'm not quite sure how to go about it all. The facilitator says speak from the heart, and don't stress over it. But hello!... this is how the birth mother will first decide if she wants to connect with us. It's kind of a big deal. These pictures and words are a big deal to me because I'm well aware of the impact that they will have on changing my family. I know once I start the words will come, but why is it that starting is often the most difficult part?

The one part of I have thought a lot about is the letter to the birth mother. It's supposed to be a short letter telling her what we have to offer her baby in our family. When I was at my health coach retreat, we talked about writing a vision statement. My vision was bringing my little girl home. And the more I've thought about it, the more it has turned into the letter to the birth mother. But again those doubts come in, and I wonder if I'm approaching it in the right way. So any feedback would appreciated.

Dear Birth Mother,

Home. I'm home. We're home. The boys are finally asleep. They were so excited to finally meet their little sister today. They just wanted to constantly love on her and hold her. I'm climbing into bed myself now. Ben wraps his arms around me as we settle in for the night. As I listen to her sweet sleeping breaths in her little bed next to mine, the tears start to flow. I am overwhelmed with love, joy, and gratitude. And I think of you.

Her tiny cries wake me, and I tend to her needs and hold her close. As she falls back to sleep, I watch her beautiful face in wonder. And I think of you. As the hours pass... I think of you. As the days pass... I think of you. She is learning so many new things. Her brothers adore her and protect her, but they also teach her how to be fearless and brave and strong... it about gives me a heart attack some days! Her daddy is smitten, but then again so am I. I love watching him be a daddy to a daughter. It pulls at my heart strings in the same, yet different ways. And all the while... I think of you.

Years pass. And I still think of you. We all do. I know. She knows. We all know. We couldn't be the family we are without you. She was always meant to be a part of our family. And you were always meant to be her mother. We love her with all of our hearts. And we love you just as much for bringing her into this world. We think of you. Often. With love. With gratitude. With respect. Thank you.

So the answer came...

As some of you may know, I wrote a post about feeling a very real loss for the little girl I never had. If you haven't read it, you can read it here if you're interested. That post stemmed from the exciting news my sister was having a little girl. I'll be honest. I was an emotional mess. I just didn't understand. I thought I had made peace with my desire to have a baby girl. I have 5 babies... shouldn't that be enough to fill my heart?

That breakdown made me really evaluate myself, as well as start some deep heart-felt conversations with God. I needed to know why I felt the way I did. I needed some answers from within and from God. I needed peace. What I didn't realize at the time was that God was breaking down my walls, so He could build the life He knew I needed to create.

One night, I had boys up off and on, and I was laying in bed exhausted, but wide awake. I tried without success to fall asleep for 20 minutes or so. When that didn't work, I decided I'd head out to the couch to ponder, pray, meditate... I thought maybe if I could address the thoughts in my head I'd be able to finally get some sleep. And it was a whole spectrum of thoughts... the am I making the right choice, what do I need to do/learn, why didn't I have a baby girl, what part of the picture/plan am I missing, etc. kind of thoughts.

As I sat there seeking answers in the quiet of the wee hours of the morning, they came. Several. Actually. Answers of assurance and peace that reminded me to not only have a little faith in God, but more than that to have a little faith in myself. Answers about things I need to do... finish the children's book, I wrote words for when Landon (my third son) was a baby. And adopt. We are supposed to adopt.

When morning came, Ben and I were saying our good byes as he was getting ready to leave for work. I told him, I felt like we were supposed to adopt. His response was OK, and he left for work. I wanted to be like Sally from Cars when she questions Lightening McQueen on what he means by OK... Do you mean OK? or OK? or OK? (each said with a different inflection). Life went on, and it didn't really come up again right away.

We arranged with my MIL to babysit the boys one morning so we could go to the temple. We hadn't been in a while, and we enjoy the peace we find there, so made plans. We got the boys up early and dropped them off with Grandma. As I found my seat, I had a prayer in my heart that the Lord would help me to learn something. That He would help me know what I needed to know.

 I spent most of the two hours holding back tears or in tears. With all those tears, my poor husband was concerned for my well-being. I reassured him I was fine, but until the session is over there isn't much time to talk. Once it ended, we had a chance to sit and talk in the peace of the temple.

Basically, I came to realize that God knew I would only be able to biologically have 5 children of my own, but He also knew our family wouldn't be complete until there were 6 kids. If I had had a girl earlier in that line up, we would have been content, and we wouldn't have considered adopting.... which means our family would have never been truly complete. God planted the desire for a girl in my heart from the beginning, so when the time was right I would realize I needed to go and find that baby girl. My sister finding out she was having a baby girl was what needed to happen... as painful as it was... so that my thinking would shift and adoption would become a reality. And my sweet baby girl chose to come to earth through another mother because she knew we would come find her and make her a part of our family.

As I was telling Ben, I was a little worried he would agree to adopt because it was what I wanted, and he loves me enough to support me in whatever I'm passionate about pursuing. But in the case of adoption, I wanted us to be on the same page and both of us just as passionate about it. I shouldn't have been worried because just like in the case of us getting engaged, he was on board way before me, but was waiting for me to be ready and the time to be right. We came home that day knowing we were without a doubt going to adopt.

Since then, we have researched our options and started on the path to adoption. Some doors have opened and some have closed. We are being lead. There are still a lot of uncertainties, a lot of hurry up and wait times, a lot unknowns, but there is also a lot of faith and one known that overshadows all the rest... Our baby girl is waiting for our family.