Though sometimes it feels like it is. What, you might be asking, am I talking about? Pain. For so long, I have often caught myself wondering what I did wrong to deserve the pain I have felt at times in my life. Because something that hurts so deeply must surely somehow be of my own making. I must have done something wrong. I must not be grateful enough. I must not be forgiving enough. I must not... I must not... I must not... I must not be enough.
Recently, I found myself in that dark place once again. My depression and anxiety have been much more difficult to keep in check recently, and I've been struggling. Then one of my fears that I had been anxious over became a reality, and I sunk into the depths of despair. I was completely crushed, and the situation seemed to be telling me that all my fears and negative thoughts where founded in truth... I wasn't good enough.
I didn't know what to do. It was a situation that I felt I couldn't take to the involved because it would probably have the opposite affect of the outcome I wanted. I didn't want to cause more hurt or create a larger gap in the relationship, especially because I believe it was unintentional. I was so angry at first. My gut reaction was to find a way to cause hurt in return, but I knew that wasn't help for anyone. Eventually after working through the initial emotions, it boiled down to heartbreak and pain. I felt shattered.
I went to God asking Him to help me forgive the hurt and to find peace. I'm getting to a place where I know it's not about me. It's not about anything I did or didn't do nor anything I do or don't lack. I'm having to make some hard choices and look at what really matters. If nothing changes, how will I care for me and my needs? Can I bring awareness and increased closeness? If so, how would I go about that? Do I need to seek out other ways to fill the needs I had hoped would be met through this particular relationship? How do I see this continuing in way that is beneficial for all involved?
I'm so grateful for a husband, a mother, a sister, and a God that listen, understand, and support me. They were my safe places in this situation where I could talk, cry, vent, and process all of my feelings without judgement. We all need those kind of safe places. I hope I am also a safe place for others.
As I was moving through this experience, I ended up awake in the middle of the night after one of my kids needed me and was unable to go back to sleep. As I stared into the darkness, a poem started to form in my head. I've had this happen on occasion, but I usually don't write it down. This night, I decided to act on the words starting to form and flow because from experience I wouldn't be able to remember most of it come morning. So by the light of my cell phone, I started writing. By the end, I knew my heart was mending. My healing had begun.
A few days later, I sat down with the poem and edited. This is the final product from those early morning stirrings.
This was my reminder that pain isn't a punishment. Pain like any other emotion is meant to tell a story... our own story. It is meant to be an aide and tool to help us grown and learn. And though I'm still in the healing process, and it still hurts. I'm not afraid of the pain anymore. I embrace the pain as my teacher. I hope I walk away a dutiful student. Learning lessons of forgiveness, compassion, love, and kindness. And if I learn, even in a small measure to be better than I was before, then the pain has purpose.
