Duplicity

I believe there is both nature and nurture at play in our lives. I have found that some things just come pre-hardwired.

Growing up, we lived two blocks from the elementary school. When it came time to
enroll in Kindergarten, I walked with my mom over to the school to do a Kindergarten assessment test. I remember going into the classroom while my mom waited in the hall. There were other kids in the room, and we moved around doing different tasks. I don't remember too many specifics, except that they asked me if I knew where paper came from. I didn't answer the question or said I didn't know.

When I went back out to my mom and started walking home, she began asking about how it went. And I told her I missed a question. I didn't know where paper came from. Her response was, "Yes, you do. Lachelle, where does paper come from?" Looking up at her, I respond, "trees?" "See you knew it!"

Later that year, I remember coming into the house crying... bawling. Of course my mom was concerned and wanted to know what was wrong. "I failed. I failed." I wailed. I had messed up on a paper that involved alphabetizing. Some how I had gotten all mixed up. I remember my mom calming me, and we sat on her bed in her room. The image of being snuggled up next to her while she lovingly went through the paper, helping me correct it and showing me that I could indeed do what was asked of me will forever be a marker in my memory.

Hi, my name is Lachelle, and I'm a perfectionist. I've been one from the start. It's standard in the package that I came with. Perfectionism is a hard task master. Irrational. Relentless. And completely unattainable.

But here's the thing... Every coin has two sides. Perfectionism is one of my biggest weaknesses. Always has been, and probably always will be (even though I'm turtle crawling my way forward out of the negative "side effects"). But perfectionism has positive "side effects" too. I want to do my best. I want to be my best self. And I can be quite stubborn and determined about it. I know how to work hard. It helps balance my ADD.

That same Kindergarten year, it was announced that we would be building a new elementary school. And with the new school, the school wanted to create a time capsule to bury for future generations. A contest was held. All the grades participated in some form or another. As Kindergarteners, we drew pictures. I drew the school (fire escape included). I remember them being so impressed by that... I was choosen out of all Kindergarteners to have my picture placed in the time capsule. I still even have the board book, Sleepy Squirrel, I recieved as a prize! Those very same qualities that pushed me to feeling inferior also pushed me to be successful, even as a Kindergartener. Those qualities of perfectionism continue to do that. 

I was always taught that our weaknesses could become our strengths, through God and hard work. And I thought that to make something become one of my strengths, I would have to rid myself of all of the weakness in it. It was all or nothing. But that isn't truth. I NEED both. As I embrace both sides... the light and the dark, the postive and the negative, the ying and the yang... I begin to find balance. I begin to see. I begin to understand. And then I begin to be able to make choices that allow me to be pushed to success and to push back at the feelings of inferiorty. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? The tears, the self-doubt, the negative...? Yes, if that means I can become a stronger me in the end. My greatest weaknesses are my greatest strengths. But I have to choose to see. I have to choose to act. I have to choose.